Well after having our lead actor go MIA and 5 inches of rain pour down in half an hour, seeping into Bowbarr and delaying our shoot, we are proud to present our latest short “An Idiot’s Guide (On How Not to be an Idiot)”. This movie is only possible after years of extensive research where I had to work in food service jobs and hang out at local bars in college towns in order to understand the makings of an idiot.
The original cut was 11 hours and 47 minutes long and was to depict the whole night from start to finish, with various moments for directors and actor commentary. But Niall felt that our message would not reach a wide audience at that time (good thing he didn’t see the director’s cut at 32 hours and 28 minutes – known as the “Full Weekend Edit”). We compromised at 7 minutes and 58 seconds (though I feel that simply isn’t enough time to cover the subject). Since so much info was cut out, here are a few tips on how not to be an idiot that was not covered in the film. Note that this includes the coffee shop morning after scene and the emergency call scenes that have been cut from the original 32 hour cut – if it was up to Niall, we’d be left with 5 minutes.
1. When you order your latte, DO NOT look at your phone! You know that person that stands across from you as you mutter something unintelligible while you play Fire Drop on your Iphone? That is a human being who deserves the human decency of eye contact and undivided attention when you order. After all, this is the person who is making your drink and can add any ingredient they wish…even if it’s not on the menu.
2. If you’re going to call 911 because you “ditched going to rehab and drank all night instead” and now you don’t feel good, remember to put your ginormous stash of weed away first. On calls classified as “altered mental status”, cops come along with EMS too. While her husband was laughing hysterically and walking around in only his tighty-whities, the cops seized the contraband as we were wheeling out his wife. Wonder if he was still laughing when he came home and found his pot gone…if he made it home.
3. Do not walk into a coffee shop, sit at a table, open your laptop, not order anything and then ask if you have “free-wifi”. Just don’t.
4. Do not use Starbucks language when you place an order at a respectable café. It just makes you look bad and you will definitely be the target of ridicule amongst the baristas when you walk away. Not to mention you drink bad coffee.
5. If you’re going to complain about Mexicans, make sure that the person you are complaining to IS NOT MEXICAN. Not all Mexicans look the same. Many have European roots and are not “brown”. See the term conquistador.
Editors note: Thanks Justin for the post, and thanks to everyone that helped make the film on that stormy day in North Carolina.